we're blogging at a bar
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
