Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
