Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
