sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize