i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
