i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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