hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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