U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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