tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
