I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
