i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize