My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drunk is not a location!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
