You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
