Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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