I wish they made helmets for livers.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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