My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
