I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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