We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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