So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
