I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize