Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize