I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
