i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize