you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
