I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
