So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
