I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
