He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
