Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
