I faked an abortion last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
