I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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