is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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