I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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