How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
