I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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