you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
