He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
