if i can run in heels then i can drive
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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