the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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