i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
