You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
