shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
