dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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