I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
