So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
