Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You brought string cheese to the strip club
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
