and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
