um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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