In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
