My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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