my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize