I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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