i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
