I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you win again, gameday.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
