we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
