Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This is classic penis vs brain.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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