My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
