I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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