a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
