Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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